so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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