When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
