Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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