Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
