now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
