A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize