I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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