Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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