Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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