I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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