what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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