im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
