I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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