Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
