I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
