I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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