my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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