So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
