i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
How's work?
Spinning.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize