I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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