I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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