i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
