I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
