what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
