u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
