I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
