i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
