im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm getting married
To pizza
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
