i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
