Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
