I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize