i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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