he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
