I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
