Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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