Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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