when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
