Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The feeling are messing with the penis
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
