omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
