She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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