my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
