you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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