I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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