today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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