piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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