I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
