I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
