just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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