I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
