I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
You can't motorboat a personality
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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