I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
