So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
