If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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