I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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