She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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