where does the pee come out of this thing
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
