well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
